Anxiety does not make sense!

 

So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Today, I felt normal!

  
So, after an awful week of anxiety and depression, it’s just occurred to me that today I felt like my normal self!

Today, I was organised, confident, relaxed and thrived in my teaching role as a fitness tutor.

This was the old me!

The old me that loved my job!

The old me that knew I was good at my job!

The old me that didn’t have depression!

The old me that didn’t have anxiety issues!

I am on top of the world!

So the actual thing that has caused me a whole, wasted week of anxiety and depression, is the same thing that has made me feel like my old, normal self again!

What is that about?

How can one thing cause me so many different emotions? 

If it causes me so much anxiety, is it worth doing? Should I stop?

However, if it gives me a glimpse of my old self back, why would I stop?

Now I just need to learn not to get so anxious over teaching and happy days! Lol!!

Easier said than done!!  

Who am I?

Today I was told that happiness doesn’t stop depression, it just masks it.

Is this true? If it is, what’s the cure?

Yesterday I was told that I’m not broken, I’m stuck.

Is this true? If it is, how do I get unstuck?

Today I feel like I’m only surviving depression.

Is this acceptable? Only I don’t want to just survive it-I want to conquer it!

I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 2 months now. How long will it take for me to not just survive and cope with depression, but conquer and defeat it? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next month….

I hate going to bed after a good day, as I’m worried about what mood I’ll wake up in. Will it be a good day? Will anxiety rear its ugly head? Will depression permeate my brain? Will I get through the day without crying?

Having anxiety and depression is exhausting. I’m struggling to exercise, am overeating, putting on weight and lacking positivity in everything.

This is so unlike me. But is this who I am now? I hope not.

I don’t like the new me.

The new me is sad.

I want the old me back.

The old me was happy.

But if happiness masks depression, was I truly happy before?

Looking back, me think not!!

So who am I and who do I want to be?

 

Who wins the race-anxiety or depression?

 

So I spent most of yesterday either worrying about something that I’m doing at the weekend or crying for no particular reason. When I wasn’t anxious and thoughts were running around my head non-stop, there was no room for conscious thoughts in my brain due to the depressive brain fog and I just wanted to cry and hide under a blanket. It’s like depression and anxiety were fighting for first place in a race to win the most space in my head! One minute I was up, up, up, the next I was down, down, down…

So who won?

Well, of course, the anxiety won over. It’s powerful, demanding energy ruled my day, regardless of how many times depression, my logical brain or even my friends and family tried to tell it otherwise.

I got to the end of the day and thought to myself ‘What a waste of a perfectly good day.  A day that I will never get back again! Stressing about something that may never happen!’

So, today, looking back at myself yesterday, I feel sad for me, for how I’d dealt with my issues and the precious day that I’d wasted. Today is a good day and I can see reason and logic and I want to vow to myself to not let me get as low as I did yesterday. That is not the person I want to be.

However, I know depression doesn’t work like that. It is a disease. I can’t control it, it sadly controls me. But I refuse to allow it to take away all of my happiness.

I need to learn to be kinder to myself when having a rough day and to enjoy every second of the good days, as who knows where the depression will take me tomorrow…

 

Learning to love myself!

Having depression means I have no control over my emotions. One minute I’m perfectly fine, the next I’m bursting into tears.. For no reason at all.

What is that all about?

When asked, I can’t even explain why I’m crying.

If I can make it through a day without crying, I call it a good day.

However, at the weekend, I saw some friends from work, whom I haven’t seen for over 2 months now. I was so touched that they wanted to check up on me and to show they cared, that after I left them, I sat in the car and burst into tears. These were not sad tears tho. These were happy tears.

They would only show their support to someone who was worthy of it; someone they cared about; someone they thought was special…And that person was me!

Maybe I am someone special then.

In my mind, I’ve always believed that I am nothing special, that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I was always so grateful to anyone who wanted to befriend me, but never really truly believed I was worthy of their friendship or have anything to offer them in return. I was always worried that they would eventually realise this and would ditch me. 

Even when given compliments or praise, I’ve always glossed over them and never actually heard them. Never truly accepted them. Never believed them.

Well, not any more.

From now on, my goal is to listen to those compliments and praise to help me improve my positive self-talk.

As I am someone special!

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to love myself!

Today is a bad day!

Today the depression is all-consuming.

The urge to just hide under the blanket all day is overwhelming.

I don’t want to talk.

I don’t want to feel.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t want to let anyone in to help comfort me.

I just want to step off the world today and start again tomorrow.

Should I allow the depression to take hold, or should I fight it?

Am I allowed to just be in a semi-comatosed state?

Is this ok? Is this wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

What is right?

Today, I don’t care what the right answer is… But maybe tomorrow I will.

Depression is the devil!

For the first time in ages, I’ve actually had almost a whole week of no depressive brain

fog. I’ve felt almost like my old happy, less anxious self again.

However, yesterday, the guilt started creeping in.

Am I faking being depressed?

Am I allowed this amount of happy days when I’m depressed?

Should I not be off sick from work still?

Instead of enjoying the good days, I allowed negative thoughts to creep back in and ruin them.

Then this morning I woke up and the depressive brain fog was back. It was almost like the depression was saying ‘I told ya so!You are depressed. You aren’t allowed to be happy’

Instead of enjoying the good days, I wasted them by feeling guilty.

Well, no more.

I’m gonna make the most of the good days.

I’m gonna live in the moment.

Depression will always be sitting on my shoulder, like the devil, but I will not let it stop me from enjoying the good days!

 

 

I will not let depression define me!

When the depressive brain fog lifts, music is allowed space in my head.

It catches me unawares.

I find myself singing along to the radio, or singing a few lyrics from a catchy song that’s stuck in my head. I used to do this BAD (before anxiety & depression).

This reminds me that:

I am still me.

I have anxiety and depression…but I am still me

I will not let it define me.

 

 

Ask for help, you may be surprised at the answer!

So first off, let me explain why I gave this blog the above title. For the past few years, I have got into cycling in a big way-triathlons, 2-3hr weekend rides, sportives and I’ve loved every minute of it. Except last year, when marathon training, I started getting panic attacks. These panic attacks then seeped into other areas of my life; my cycling, my work, the gym, blah, blah, blah!

So as to avoid these stressful situations which incur the panic attacks, I haven’t been on my bike for almost a year now. My training buddies keep inviting me out to ride with them, but I keep declining. The thing is, I don’t want to burden them with my issues. They shouldn’t have to put up with me like this! They need people to support and encourage their training, not hold them back.

Last weekend, I decided to be honest with them about my anxiety and depression issues and they encouraged me to join them anyway. So I decided I was going to pull up my big girl pants and just go for a ride… even if it was slow… and to not worry about what others think of me.

Unfortunately, the anxiety overtook me and I didn’t even get out the door to ride.So I decided to not even attempt riding for a bit until I was in a better place mentally.

However this weekend, my buddies invited me out again. I felt a bit pathetic, but I was totally honest with them about all my worries including not wanting to hinder their training etc, and I was so surprised and overwhelmed at their responses.

They encouraged me to come along anyway as I would be with them and they would not leave me behind. I know this to be true, but my irrational brain forgets this. My irrational brain tells me that they are there to focus on their training and I’m not worthy of joining them and that I’d only embarrass myself, or them, if I panicked whilst riding with them.

They’ve even offered to ride solo with me during the week to help me gain my confidence back on the bike before joining them on a group ride.

I was so touched and overwhelmed by their support, that, of course, I burst into tears whilst reading their texts. I have never felt good enough or worthy enough to be training with these guys, even though I’ve trained with some of them for 4 years now.

So to hear that they care for me and want to help me through this rough patch, has made me rethink my thinking.

I didn’t want to admit to them how pathetic I am right now, but to them, that’s not how they see me. They just see me having a rough time and want to do what they can to help me. I’m still me, just a rather sad me at the moment.

I was worried about being judged or ditched completely, yet they did nothing of the sort. They offered their support and advice to help me and encourage me to get back out on the bike with them.

So this week, I will be taking them up on their offers of solo rides with the possibility of joining them at weekends soon.

This anxiety and depression will not rule my life.

I am in control of my life.

I just have to create space for the anxiety and depression to have a space in my life right now… But, be warned Anxiety and Depression, every day the space that you hog, will get smaller and smaller.

I reached out to my training buddies, was totally honest with them and in return I was rewarded with their support and friendship.

I’m learning that it is ok to ask for help!

I can do this alone as I am strong, however it will be much easier and quicker with friends and family by my side…. Which in turn proves to me… That I am worthy!