Today I am fighting the depression!

Today, I woke up intending to go the gym early for some classes.  Instead, I stayed in bed as my hubby and cat were all cuddled up to me and I didn’t want to disturb them. Straight away the anxiety and depression started trying to set in. Maybe I would just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Instead I forced myself out of bed and decided that I would go and do my own workout in the gym, in my own time. I classed this as a win.

I then got to the gym. Got myself a few pb’s for deadlifts, leg curl and glute extension, but my knee started hurting, which stopped me continuing with my planned session. Again, depression and anxiety wanted to set in. But instead of just sitting on the floor and crying right there about how pain is getting in the way of what I want to do (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed around my session and found myself different exercises that I could do without hurting my knee. I classed this as a win.

So this afternoon, I was aiming to go out walking with my hubby and the dogs, however it’s raining, so I didn’t go. Again, depression and anxiety started kicking in. How dare the weather stop my plans. Can’t anything go right for me today? But instead, I pushed through that feeling and have spent a productive hour writing PT plans for the week. This now means that I have time to do some course work, which I haven’t done in weeks, and even have time to write this blog before I start work this evening. I’m disappointed I couldn’t go for a walk today, plus I’m trying not to cry about this, but I’m classing this as a win.

Its now 3pm and I have 2 hours for course work and  distract myself from letting the depression take hold, before I start work for the evening.

Who is stronger today? Me or depression? Will I win today? Who knows.

 

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Anxiety-you need to leave! 

So for weeks, days, hours and seconds, I’ve been anxious over teaching this weekend. I’ve spent hour upon hours planning, preparing and thinking about 10 hrs of teaching! I was almost in tears with worry this morning.

Then I go into the lesson, nail it and absolutely bloody love it!!

So why was I so anxious about it? It makes no sense!

The problem is, that this is a recurring event for me. I wind myself up for days and days over teaching these lessons. Putting knots into my stomach and giving me sleepless nights, however once I’m in the moment, all my planning and prep pays off and I’m in my element!

I know I am a bloody good teacher, but why does this anxiety keep happening? Why do I keep doubting myself and my expertise? 

When will things improve?

If I don’t spend hours planning and prepping my lesson, I’ll stress about the fact I haven’t spent hours planning and prepping my lesson. However, spending hours upon hours planning and prepping my lesson allows me to waste perfectly good time stressing!!

Life is too short to be anxious.  But how can I stop this viscious cycle.

Anxiety makes no sense at all!  I don’t want it any more. I didn’t ask to be anxious all the time. Why did you decide to burden me with your worries?

Please go away. You are ruining my happiness and you need to leave…now! 

How do I define myself?

  
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:

30% anxiety

20% depression

20% wife/friend

15% personal trainer 

10% exercise 

5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc

Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce. 

I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

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So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

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When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Today, I felt normal!

  
So, after an awful week of anxiety and depression, it’s just occurred to me that today I felt like my normal self!

Today, I was organised, confident, relaxed and thrived in my teaching role as a fitness tutor.

This was the old me!

The old me that loved my job!

The old me that knew I was good at my job!

The old me that didn’t have depression!

The old me that didn’t have anxiety issues!

I am on top of the world!

So the actual thing that has caused me a whole, wasted week of anxiety and depression, is the same thing that has made me feel like my old, normal self again!

What is that about?

How can one thing cause me so many different emotions? 

If it causes me so much anxiety, is it worth doing? Should I stop?

However, if it gives me a glimpse of my old self back, why would I stop?

Now I just need to learn not to get so anxious over teaching and happy days! Lol!!

Easier said than done!!  

Who am I?

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Today I was told that happiness doesn’t stop depression, it just masks it.

Is this true? If it is, what’s the cure?

Yesterday I was told that I’m not broken, I’m stuck.

Is this true? If it is, how do I get unstuck?

Today I feel like I’m only surviving depression.

Is this acceptable? Only I don’t want to just survive it-I want to conquer it!

I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 2 months now. How long will it take for me to not just survive and cope with depression, but conquer and defeat it? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next month….

I hate going to bed after a good day, as I’m worried about what mood I’ll wake up in. Will it be a good day? Will anxiety rear its ugly head? Will depression permeate my brain? Will I get through the day without crying?

Having anxiety and depression is exhausting. I’m struggling to exercise, am overeating, putting on weight and lacking positivity in everything.

This is so unlike me. But is this who I am now? I hope not.

I don’t like the new me.

The new me is sad.

I want the old me back.

The old me was happy.

But if happiness masks depression, was I truly happy before?

Looking back, me think not!!

So who am I and who do I want to be?