So I spent most of yesterday either worrying about something that I’m doing at the weekend or crying for no particular reason. When I wasn’t anxious and thoughts were running around my head non-stop, there was no room for conscious thoughts in my brain due to the depressive brain fog and I just wanted to cry and hide under a blanket. It’s like depression and anxiety were fighting for first place in a race to win the most space in my head! One minute I was up, up, up, the next I was down, down, down…
So who won?
Well, of course, the anxiety won over. It’s powerful, demanding energy ruled my day, regardless of how many times depression, my logical brain or even my friends and family tried to tell it otherwise.
I got to the end of the day and thought to myself ‘What a waste of a perfectly good day. A day that I will never get back again! Stressing about something that may never happen!’
So, today, looking back at myself yesterday, I feel sad for me, for how I’d dealt with my issues and the precious day that I’d wasted. Today is a good day and I can see reason and logic and I want to vow to myself to not let me get as low as I did yesterday. That is not the person I want to be.
However, I know depression doesn’t work like that. It is a disease. I can’t control it, it sadly controls me. But I refuse to allow it to take away all of my happiness.
I need to learn to be kinder to myself when having a rough day and to enjoy every second of the good days, as who knows where the depression will take me tomorrow…