Today I hurt

Today I hurt everywhere

Not a lot, just everywhere, all the time

It’s unbearable 

Tomorrow, I hope, to be a better day

Tomorrow, I’ll be stronger

But tonight, I’ll let sleep cover up the pain 

Until tomorrow 

Today I am fighting the depression!

Today, I woke up intending to go the gym early for some classes.  Instead, I stayed in bed as my hubby and cat were all cuddled up to me and I didn’t want to disturb them. Straight away the anxiety and depression started trying to set in. Maybe I would just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Instead I forced myself out of bed and decided that I would go and do my own workout in the gym, in my own time. I classed this as a win.

I then got to the gym. Got myself a few pb’s for deadlifts, leg curl and glute extension, but my knee started hurting, which stopped me continuing with my planned session. Again, depression and anxiety wanted to set in. But instead of just sitting on the floor and crying right there about how pain is getting in the way of what I want to do (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed around my session and found myself different exercises that I could do without hurting my knee. I classed this as a win.

So this afternoon, I was aiming to go out walking with my hubby and the dogs, however it’s raining, so I didn’t go. Again, depression and anxiety started kicking in. How dare the weather stop my plans. Can’t anything go right for me today? But instead, I pushed through that feeling and have spent a productive hour writing PT plans for the week. This now means that I have time to do some course work, which I haven’t done in weeks, and even have time to write this blog before I start work this evening. I’m disappointed I couldn’t go for a walk today, plus I’m trying not to cry about this, but I’m classing this as a win.

Its now 3pm and I have 2 hours for course work and  distract myself from letting the depression take hold, before I start work for the evening.

Who is stronger today? Me or depression? Will I win today? Who knows.

 

I am learning to control my anxiety.

The last few weeks I’ve really felt that I am in control of my anxiety.

I am loving my work, my gym time and still feel I have time to spend with hubby. 

Well, today I have a cold and I feel rotten. It was my intention to go to the gym today as I am trying to keep my routine of 6 days a week training in place as I feel like I’m really making progress in all areas of my training.

However, today I decided to take a rest day to try and beat this cold before it gets the better of me. 

My brain was in a spin with this decision. 

Exercise is the way I calm my anxiety and makes me feel good about myself.

So instead of resting, like I should be doing, I’m pottering round the house doing chores to make myself feel better for taking time off; to not feel guilty about taking time off. Washing up, putting the clean washing away, cleaning the bathroom etc. Why do I do this?

Why can I not be happy with the decisions I make and allow my brain to rest? Instead I have to beat myself up for changing my plans.

I keep thinking I’m in control of my anxiety.

But am I really?

Or is it still controlling me? L

1st blog in 9 months -how my life has changed

I haven’t written in 9 months and have come to the realisation that I miss it. Tonight, I reread my previous blogs and almost cried at times to see how sad I was. 

The past 9 months have been a real roller coaster for me. The first few weeks of January were my worst in quite a few months, but now they are behind me and I feel so many areas of my life have improved.

The reason I attached the above photo, is I genuinely feel that exercise has been my anti-depressant! I always feel so much happier if I have been to the gym. Even on days I don’t feel like it, I force myself to go, as I know the benefits of exercise for depression.

Healthy eating is another thing that has helped ease my depression symptoms over the past few months. One side of my brain wants chocolate and sugar. The other side knows these types of food promote negativity in my mental health, so I try and steer clear of them as much as I can.

As I said earlier, so many areas of my life have improved. I’m not as anxious as I used to be, I rarely have depressive fog for brains, and I can feel a spark of confidence and motivation creep back into my daily life, especially when training in the gym.

Having said that, there is just one thing that is bugging me.  I have worked really hard to get past the panic attacks, and try not to put too much stress on myself about anything in particular. However, I’ve recently been thinking about getting back to doing triathlons, only when I have mentioned it to some family and friends, they tell me I’m not ready to sign up for that yet as it will just put more stress back into my life and I’m not yet ready to deal with that.

I have taken real umbridge to that, and also want to sign up, just to spite them. “Can’t they see how far I have become? Can’t they see how much better I am? Don’t they believe in me?” I keep asking myself. 

However, having now reread my previous blogs and seeing how low I have been in the past, I think I understand why they don’t want me to sign up for a triathlon just yet. They care. They don’t want me to  have any excess stress that could pull me back down to where I used to be. They can see how far I’ve become, but they can also see how much further I have still to go.

So instead of feeling annoyed and resentful of them for feeling this way, I’m going to just let it go and know that they only want what is best for me. 

For the moment, I won’t sign up. But possibly in the future….

Anxiety-you need to leave!

So for weeks, days, hours and seconds, I’ve been anxious over teaching this weekend. I’ve spent hour upon hours planning, preparing and thinking about 10 hrs of teaching! I was almost in tears with worry this morning.

Then I go into the lesson, nail it and absolutely bloody love it!!

So why was I so anxious about it? It makes no sense!

The problem is, that this is a recurring event for me. I wind myself up for days and days over teaching these lessons. Putting knots into my stomach and giving me sleepless nights, however once I’m in the moment, all my planning and prep pays off and I’m in my element!

I know I am a bloody good teacher, but why does this anxiety keep happening? Why do I keep doubting myself and my expertise? 

When will things improve?

If I don’t spend hours planning and prepping my lesson, I’ll stress about the fact I haven’t spent hours planning and prepping my lesson. However, spending hours upon hours planning and prepping my lesson allows me to waste perfectly good time stressing!!

Life is too short to be anxious.  But how can I stop this viscious cycle.

Anxiety makes no sense at all!  I don’t want it any more. I didn’t ask to be anxious all the time. Why did you decide to burden me with your worries?

Please go away. You are ruining my happiness and you need to leave…now! 

Scared to be hopeful!

So basically I’ve had chronic pain in my back, neck and shoulders for almost 5 years now. No doctor or medical test has been able to diagnose the issue.

Yet, the past 2 weeks the pain has been different. Almost like things are getting better… But I’m scared to be hopeful that things are finally improving.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve had so many doctors say they can help me. I get my hopes up and start feeling positive and hopeful, to then, a few months down the line, realise that things are no better and they aren’t going to be the one to cure me!

The past few weeks a lot of things have changed in my life. I’m no longer a primary teacher-I’m now a full time personal trainer, which I love. I’ve also reduced the amount of training I do on my upper body and I’ve been strengthening my glutes on the advice of a physio working on a knee injury.

So what is it that has made the difference?  All of them combined or none of them?  Am I just imagining a difference.

I’m so scared to be hopeful.

I don’t want another let down.

Not sure I can handle another let down.

So for now, I’ll keep quiet and silently hopeful. I’ve had pain for 5 years so a few more weeks/months of this I can handle… But I still have all my fingers and toes crossed for a recovery.

I’ll keep you posted.

How do I define myself?

  
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:

30% anxiety

20% depression

20% wife/friend

15% personal trainer 

10% exercise 

5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc

Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce. 

I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.

My 14 year teaching career comes to an end tomorrow!

  
So after teaching for 14 years, I am finally ‘hanging up my hat!’

I’ve known for a few years that I was eventually going to give up teaching and become a full time personal trainer. I’ve reduced my teaching hours over the past 3 years and starting building up my PT business.

I finally decided to take the plunge and give up teaching in July this year, however, since September, I realised my heart wasn’t in my teaching anymore and I was becoming more and more anxious and unhappy at school. So just before Christmas, I put my notice in to stop teaching at Easter, instead of in the summer.

Making the decision to stop teaching and become a full time personal trainer, was a difficult one for me… What if my business fails? What if I’m not good enough? Then what?

I knew that I only had 3 months left of teaching, and that it was just count down until D-Day! I could do this!!

However, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head and I couldn’t face being in front of a class of children incase a panic attacks occurs. I was signed off sick in January.

3 months later, I’m still signed off from school and tomorrow, my contract ends. I am going in to say goodbye to the staff and the life I’ve known for 14 years!

I am sad I’ve finished my teaching career this way, but know that my place is no longer in a classroom teaching children.

My pride is wounded. I have always known I was a great teacher and I’ve loved it… But depression and anxiety changed all that! 

I wanted to go out on a high! To walk away as a confident, successful teacher, who has decided that personal training is her passion now.

Instead, I feel like I’m crawling out the back-door, with my self-esteem at an all time low, having let anxiety and depression take over my brain.

Depression and anxiety has won this battle, but I refuse to allow them to win the war on my life.

My teaching career may have ended, but my life hasn’t!

New and exciting times await me now, I just need to get to grips with my anxiety and depression to allow those exciting times to happen. As right now, new and exciting times are just too overwhelming for me and scare the **** out of me.

But one day, they won’t be so scary….  

I look forward to that day! 

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!