How do I define myself?

  
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:

30% anxiety

20% depression

20% wife/friend

15% personal trainer 

10% exercise 

5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc

Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce. 

I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.

My 14 year teaching career comes to an end tomorrow!

  
So after teaching for 14 years, I am finally ‘hanging up my hat!’

I’ve known for a few years that I was eventually going to give up teaching and become a full time personal trainer. I’ve reduced my teaching hours over the past 3 years and starting building up my PT business.

I finally decided to take the plunge and give up teaching in July this year, however, since September, I realised my heart wasn’t in my teaching anymore and I was becoming more and more anxious and unhappy at school. So just before Christmas, I put my notice in to stop teaching at Easter, instead of in the summer.

Making the decision to stop teaching and become a full time personal trainer, was a difficult one for me… What if my business fails? What if I’m not good enough? Then what?

I knew that I only had 3 months left of teaching, and that it was just count down until D-Day! I could do this!!

However, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head and I couldn’t face being in front of a class of children incase a panic attacks occurs. I was signed off sick in January.

3 months later, I’m still signed off from school and tomorrow, my contract ends. I am going in to say goodbye to the staff and the life I’ve known for 14 years!

I am sad I’ve finished my teaching career this way, but know that my place is no longer in a classroom teaching children.

My pride is wounded. I have always known I was a great teacher and I’ve loved it… But depression and anxiety changed all that! 

I wanted to go out on a high! To walk away as a confident, successful teacher, who has decided that personal training is her passion now.

Instead, I feel like I’m crawling out the back-door, with my self-esteem at an all time low, having let anxiety and depression take over my brain.

Depression and anxiety has won this battle, but I refuse to allow them to win the war on my life.

My teaching career may have ended, but my life hasn’t!

New and exciting times await me now, I just need to get to grips with my anxiety and depression to allow those exciting times to happen. As right now, new and exciting times are just too overwhelming for me and scare the **** out of me.

But one day, they won’t be so scary….  

I look forward to that day! 

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Today I am not a perfectionist!

I am a perfectionist.

Only, chronic pain stops me from being perfect.

In fact,it stops me being good at anything.

It stops me from working, training and socialising.

It’s made me depressed, anxious, unmotivated and unreliable.

What’s perfect about me now?

Right now? I’m perfect at nothing.

And today, that’s good enough for me.

Today, I felt normal!

  
So, after an awful week of anxiety and depression, it’s just occurred to me that today I felt like my normal self!

Today, I was organised, confident, relaxed and thrived in my teaching role as a fitness tutor.

This was the old me!

The old me that loved my job!

The old me that knew I was good at my job!

The old me that didn’t have depression!

The old me that didn’t have anxiety issues!

I am on top of the world!

So the actual thing that has caused me a whole, wasted week of anxiety and depression, is the same thing that has made me feel like my old, normal self again!

What is that about?

How can one thing cause me so many different emotions? 

If it causes me so much anxiety, is it worth doing? Should I stop?

However, if it gives me a glimpse of my old self back, why would I stop?

Now I just need to learn not to get so anxious over teaching and happy days! Lol!!

Easier said than done!!  

Who am I?

Today I was told that happiness doesn’t stop depression, it just masks it.

Is this true? If it is, what’s the cure?

Yesterday I was told that I’m not broken, I’m stuck.

Is this true? If it is, how do I get unstuck?

Today I feel like I’m only surviving depression.

Is this acceptable? Only I don’t want to just survive it-I want to conquer it!

I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 2 months now. How long will it take for me to not just survive and cope with depression, but conquer and defeat it? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next month….

I hate going to bed after a good day, as I’m worried about what mood I’ll wake up in. Will it be a good day? Will anxiety rear its ugly head? Will depression permeate my brain? Will I get through the day without crying?

Having anxiety and depression is exhausting. I’m struggling to exercise, am overeating, putting on weight and lacking positivity in everything.

This is so unlike me. But is this who I am now? I hope not.

I don’t like the new me.

The new me is sad.

I want the old me back.

The old me was happy.

But if happiness masks depression, was I truly happy before?

Looking back, me think not!!

So who am I and who do I want to be?

 

Who wins the race-anxiety or depression?

 

So I spent most of yesterday either worrying about something that I’m doing at the weekend or crying for no particular reason. When I wasn’t anxious and thoughts were running around my head non-stop, there was no room for conscious thoughts in my brain due to the depressive brain fog and I just wanted to cry and hide under a blanket. It’s like depression and anxiety were fighting for first place in a race to win the most space in my head! One minute I was up, up, up, the next I was down, down, down…

So who won?

Well, of course, the anxiety won over. It’s powerful, demanding energy ruled my day, regardless of how many times depression, my logical brain or even my friends and family tried to tell it otherwise.

I got to the end of the day and thought to myself ‘What a waste of a perfectly good day.  A day that I will never get back again! Stressing about something that may never happen!’

So, today, looking back at myself yesterday, I feel sad for me, for how I’d dealt with my issues and the precious day that I’d wasted. Today is a good day and I can see reason and logic and I want to vow to myself to not let me get as low as I did yesterday. That is not the person I want to be.

However, I know depression doesn’t work like that. It is a disease. I can’t control it, it sadly controls me. But I refuse to allow it to take away all of my happiness.

I need to learn to be kinder to myself when having a rough day and to enjoy every second of the good days, as who knows where the depression will take me tomorrow…

 

Learning to love myself!

Having depression means I have no control over my emotions. One minute I’m perfectly fine, the next I’m bursting into tears.. For no reason at all.

What is that all about?

When asked, I can’t even explain why I’m crying.

If I can make it through a day without crying, I call it a good day.

However, at the weekend, I saw some friends from work, whom I haven’t seen for over 2 months now. I was so touched that they wanted to check up on me and to show they cared, that after I left them, I sat in the car and burst into tears. These were not sad tears tho. These were happy tears.

They would only show their support to someone who was worthy of it; someone they cared about; someone they thought was special…And that person was me!

Maybe I am someone special then.

In my mind, I’ve always believed that I am nothing special, that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I was always so grateful to anyone who wanted to befriend me, but never really truly believed I was worthy of their friendship or have anything to offer them in return. I was always worried that they would eventually realise this and would ditch me. 

Even when given compliments or praise, I’ve always glossed over them and never actually heard them. Never truly accepted them. Never believed them.

Well, not any more.

From now on, my goal is to listen to those compliments and praise to help me improve my positive self-talk.

As I am someone special!

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to love myself!

Am I worthy?

 

If I’m perfect, nothing will go wrong.

(of course things will go wrong. That is life)

 

If I work extra hard, then I will succeed.

(how will I know when I have succeeded?)

 

If I’m over-prepared, I will achieve regardless of what is thrown my way.

(did the over-preparation stop things going wrong? No)

 

If I write a list, then things will get done.

(will the world fall apart if I didn’t write a list today? Will I achieve nothing?)

 

If I work tirelessly, then I can be almost as good as others.

(when will I be good enough?)

 

If I think up all possibilities, I can not be caught unaware.

(life is full of mistakes, how can I stop them?)

 

If I ask for help, it will show people I have weaknesses. I can’t have weaknesses. I have to be perfect.

(Will I ever be perfect? What does perfection look like?)

 

If I let people know I am struggling, I will look weak.  I should be able to do it. I can not look weak in other people’s eyes.

(what does strength look like?)

 

If I stop, I will look like a failure. I have to keep going. Failure is not an option.

(is there nothing inbetween success and failure?)

 

If I don’t make the effort, no one will make time for me. Why would anyone want to make time for me? I’m not worthy of their time.  I’ll just become a burden to them. Their time is more important than mine. They are more important than me.

Hold up….

Why are they more important than I am?

Am I not worthy of their time, friendship, love?

“Am I worthy?” I ask myself.

That is the question I’m still asking myself.