Today is the first time in a while that I’ve written.
I’ve been feeling so well that I stopped writing all together.
Now I feel like everything is spiralling downwards and I’m scared of hitting rock bottom and not being able to get back up again.
Pain is overtaking my life.
I’m struggling to cope.
Every hour of every day is a struggle.
I just want to be in a world of no pain.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I havent written for ages and when looking for ways to reduce my anxiety, an idea that came up was to start journaling. So here I am again, in the hope that this helps reduce my anxiety that seems to have risen a lot recently.
So I have a chronic headache, and although my chiropractor says I don’t have enough cervical problems to cause an ongoing headache, I’m convinced the pain is all linked to my back and neck pain.
However, I’ve also been told that there is a possibility it’s a tension headache.
So which one is it?
I’ve noticed I’m more anxious recently, I’ve started grinding my teeth again and I have to be active 24/7-cleaning, exercising, checking Facebook etc. I just can’t stop and take a breather.
Is it this that is causing the headache?
Or is the pain causing the headache?
I’m so confused, and just want someone to tell me what is wrong and to help me get rid of the pain.
I’ve had chronic pain for 6 years and I’m not sure how much longer I can bear it!
Pain is exhausting.
Today, I woke up intending to go the gym early for some classes. Instead, I stayed in bed as my hubby and cat were all cuddled up to me and I didn’t want to disturb them. Straight away the anxiety and depression started trying to set in. Maybe I would just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Instead I forced myself out of bed and decided that I would go and do my own workout in the gym, in my own time. I classed this as a win.
I then got to the gym. Got myself a few pb’s for deadlifts, leg curl and glute extension, but my knee started hurting, which stopped me continuing with my planned session. Again, depression and anxiety wanted to set in. But instead of just sitting on the floor and crying right there about how pain is getting in the way of what I want to do (which is what I really wanted to do), I changed around my session and found myself different exercises that I could do without hurting my knee. I classed this as a win.
So this afternoon, I was aiming to go out walking with my hubby and the dogs, however it’s raining, so I didn’t go. Again, depression and anxiety started kicking in. How dare the weather stop my plans. Can’t anything go right for me today? But instead, I pushed through that feeling and have spent a productive hour writing PT plans for the week. This now means that I have time to do some course work, which I haven’t done in weeks, and even have time to write this blog before I start work this evening. I’m disappointed I couldn’t go for a walk today, plus I’m trying not to cry about this, but I’m classing this as a win.
Its now 3pm and I have 2 hours for course work and distract myself from letting the depression take hold, before I start work for the evening.
Who is stronger today? Me or depression? Will I win today? Who knows.
The last few weeks I’ve really felt that I am in control of my anxiety.
I am loving my work, my gym time and still feel I have time to spend with hubby.
Well, today I have a cold and I feel rotten. It was my intention to go to the gym today as I am trying to keep my routine of 6 days a week training in place as I feel like I’m really making progress in all areas of my training.
However, today I decided to take a rest day to try and beat this cold before it gets the better of me.
My brain was in a spin with this decision.
Exercise is the way I calm my anxiety and makes me feel good about myself.
So instead of resting, like I should be doing, I’m pottering round the house doing chores to make myself feel better for taking time off; to not feel guilty about taking time off. Washing up, putting the clean washing away, cleaning the bathroom etc. Why do I do this?
Why can I not be happy with the decisions I make and allow my brain to rest? Instead I have to beat myself up for changing my plans.
I keep thinking I’m in control of my anxiety.
But am I really?
Or is it still controlling me? L
I haven’t written in 9 months and have come to the realisation that I miss it. Tonight, I reread my previous blogs and almost cried at times to see how sad I was.
The past 9 months have been a real roller coaster for me. The first few weeks of January were my worst in quite a few months, but now they are behind me and I feel so many areas of my life have improved.
The reason I attached the above photo, is I genuinely feel that exercise has been my anti-depressant! I always feel so much happier if I have been to the gym. Even on days I don’t feel like it, I force myself to go, as I know the benefits of exercise for depression.
Healthy eating is another thing that has helped ease my depression symptoms over the past few months. One side of my brain wants chocolate and sugar. The other side knows these types of food promote negativity in my mental health, so I try and steer clear of them as much as I can.
As I said earlier, so many areas of my life have improved. I’m not as anxious as I used to be, I rarely have depressive fog for brains, and I can feel a spark of confidence and motivation creep back into my daily life, especially when training in the gym.
Having said that, there is just one thing that is bugging me. I have worked really hard to get past the panic attacks, and try not to put too much stress on myself about anything in particular. However, I’ve recently been thinking about getting back to doing triathlons, only when I have mentioned it to some family and friends, they tell me I’m not ready to sign up for that yet as it will just put more stress back into my life and I’m not yet ready to deal with that.
I have taken real umbridge to that, and also want to sign up, just to spite them. “Can’t they see how far I have become? Can’t they see how much better I am? Don’t they believe in me?” I keep asking myself.
However, having now reread my previous blogs and seeing how low I have been in the past, I think I understand why they don’t want me to sign up for a triathlon just yet. They care. They don’t want me to have any excess stress that could pull me back down to where I used to be. They can see how far I’ve become, but they can also see how much further I have still to go.
So instead of feeling annoyed and resentful of them for feeling this way, I’m going to just let it go and know that they only want what is best for me.
For the moment, I won’t sign up. But possibly in the future….
This morning I had my first depressive episode in about 6 weeks or more.
Sad times.
Managed to pull myself out of it through walking dogs with the hubby, but getting out of bed and putting one foot infront of the other until it passed was draining.
Is that what it’s called? A depressive episode? It’s what I call it.
Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.
So for weeks, days, hours and seconds, I’ve been anxious over teaching this weekend. I’ve spent hour upon hours planning, preparing and thinking about 10 hrs of teaching! I was almost in tears with worry this morning.
Then I go into the lesson, nail it and absolutely bloody love it!!
So why was I so anxious about it? It makes no sense!
The problem is, that this is a recurring event for me. I wind myself up for days and days over teaching these lessons. Putting knots into my stomach and giving me sleepless nights, however once I’m in the moment, all my planning and prep pays off and I’m in my element!
I know I am a bloody good teacher, but why does this anxiety keep happening? Why do I keep doubting myself and my expertise?
When will things improve?
If I don’t spend hours planning and prepping my lesson, I’ll stress about the fact I haven’t spent hours planning and prepping my lesson. However, spending hours upon hours planning and prepping my lesson allows me to waste perfectly good time stressing!!
Life is too short to be anxious. But how can I stop this viscious cycle.
Anxiety makes no sense at all! I don’t want it any more. I didn’t ask to be anxious all the time. Why did you decide to burden me with your worries?
Please go away. You are ruining my happiness and you need to leave…now!
So basically I’ve had chronic pain in my back, neck and shoulders for almost 5 years now. No doctor or medical test has been able to diagnose the issue.
Yet, the past 2 weeks the pain has been different. Almost like things are getting better… But I’m scared to be hopeful that things are finally improving.
Over the past 5 years, I’ve had so many doctors say they can help me. I get my hopes up and start feeling positive and hopeful, to then, a few months down the line, realise that things are no better and they aren’t going to be the one to cure me!
The past few weeks a lot of things have changed in my life. I’m no longer a primary teacher-I’m now a full time personal trainer, which I love. I’ve also reduced the amount of training I do on my upper body and I’ve been strengthening my glutes on the advice of a physio working on a knee injury.
So what is it that has made the difference? All of them combined or none of them? Am I just imagining a difference.
I’m so scared to be hopeful.
I don’t want another let down.
Not sure I can handle another let down.
So for now, I’ll keep quiet and silently hopeful. I’ve had pain for 5 years so a few more weeks/months of this I can handle… But I still have all my fingers and toes crossed for a recovery.
I’ll keep you posted.
Today I woke up sad.
No reason.
Just sad.
My body is too heavy to move.
My brain is too foggy to think.
I just want today to pass me by.
Can I try again tomorrow?
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:
30% anxiety
20% depression
20% wife/friend
15% personal trainer
10% exercise
5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc
Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce.
I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.
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