I am learning to control my anxiety.


The last few weeks I’ve really felt that I am in control of my anxiety.

I am loving my work, my gym time and still feel I have time to spend with hubby. 

Well, today I have a cold and I feel rotten. It was my intention to go to the gym today as I am trying to keep my routine of 6 days a week training in place as I feel like I’m really making progress in all areas of my training.

However, today I decided to take a rest day to try and beat this cold before it gets the better of me. 

My brain was in a spin with this decision. 

Exercise is the way I calm my anxiety and makes me feel good about myself.

So instead of resting, like I should be doing, I’m pottering round the house doing chores to make myself feel better for taking time off; to not feel guilty about taking time off. Washing up, putting the clean washing away, cleaning the bathroom etc. Why do I do this?

Why can I not be happy with the decisions I make and allow my brain to rest? Instead I have to beat myself up for changing my plans.

I keep thinking I’m in control of my anxiety.

But am I really?

Or is it still controlling me? L

1st blog in 9 months -how my life has changed 


I haven’t written in 9 months and have come to the realisation that I miss it. Tonight, I reread my previous blogs and almost cried at times to see how sad I was. 

The past 9 months have been a real roller coaster for me. The first few weeks of January were my worst in quite a few months, but now they are behind me and I feel so many areas of my life have improved.

The reason I attached the above photo, is I genuinely feel that exercise has been my anti-depressant! I always feel so much happier if I have been to the gym. Even on days I don’t feel like it, I force myself to go, as I know the benefits of exercise for depression.

Healthy eating is another thing that has helped ease my depression symptoms over the past few months. One side of my brain wants chocolate and sugar. The other side knows these types of food promote negativity in my mental health, so I try and steer clear of them as much as I can.

As I said earlier, so many areas of my life have improved. I’m not as anxious as I used to be, I rarely have depressive fog for brains, and I can feel a spark of confidence and motivation creep back into my daily life, especially when training in the gym.

Having said that, there is just one thing that is bugging me.  I have worked really hard to get past the panic attacks, and try not to put too much stress on myself about anything in particular. However, I’ve recently been thinking about getting back to doing triathlons, only when I have mentioned it to some family and friends, they tell me I’m not ready to sign up for that yet as it will just put more stress back into my life and I’m not yet ready to deal with that.

I have taken real umbridge to that, and also want to sign up, just to spite them. “Can’t they see how far I have become? Can’t they see how much better I am? Don’t they believe in me?” I keep asking myself. 

However, having now reread my previous blogs and seeing how low I have been in the past, I think I understand why they don’t want me to sign up for a triathlon just yet. They care. They don’t want me to  have any excess stress that could pull me back down to where I used to be. They can see how far I’ve become, but they can also see how much further I have still to go.

So instead of feeling annoyed and resentful of them for feeling this way, I’m going to just let it go and know that they only want what is best for me. 

For the moment, I won’t sign up. But possibly in the future….

How do I define myself?

  
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:

30% anxiety

20% depression

20% wife/friend

15% personal trainer 

10% exercise 

5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc

Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce. 

I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.

20% perfect!

 

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When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Today, I felt normal!

  
So, after an awful week of anxiety and depression, it’s just occurred to me that today I felt like my normal self!

Today, I was organised, confident, relaxed and thrived in my teaching role as a fitness tutor.

This was the old me!

The old me that loved my job!

The old me that knew I was good at my job!

The old me that didn’t have depression!

The old me that didn’t have anxiety issues!

I am on top of the world!

So the actual thing that has caused me a whole, wasted week of anxiety and depression, is the same thing that has made me feel like my old, normal self again!

What is that about?

How can one thing cause me so many different emotions? 

If it causes me so much anxiety, is it worth doing? Should I stop?

However, if it gives me a glimpse of my old self back, why would I stop?

Now I just need to learn not to get so anxious over teaching and happy days! Lol!!

Easier said than done!!  

Am I worthy?

 

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If I’m perfect, nothing will go wrong.

(of course things will go wrong. That is life)

 

If I work extra hard, then I will succeed.

(how will I know when I have succeeded?)

 

If I’m over-prepared, I will achieve regardless of what is thrown my way.

(did the over-preparation stop things going wrong? No)

 

If I write a list, then things will get done.

(will the world fall apart if I didn’t write a list today? Will I achieve nothing?)

 

If I work tirelessly, then I can be almost as good as others.

(when will I be good enough?)

 

If I think up all possibilities, I can not be caught unaware.

(life is full of mistakes, how can I stop them?)

 

If I ask for help, it will show people I have weaknesses. I can’t have weaknesses. I have to be perfect.

(Will I ever be perfect? What does perfection look like?)

 

If I let people know I am struggling, I will look weak.  I should be able to do it. I can not look weak in other people’s eyes.

(what does strength look like?)

 

If I stop, I will look like a failure. I have to keep going. Failure is not an option.

(is there nothing inbetween success and failure?)

 

If I don’t make the effort, no one will make time for me. Why would anyone want to make time for me? I’m not worthy of their time.  I’ll just become a burden to them. Their time is more important than mine. They are more important than me.

Hold up….

Why are they more important than I am?

Am I not worthy of their time, friendship, love?

“Am I worthy?” I ask myself.

That is the question I’m still asking myself.

 

 

Depression is the devil!

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For the first time in ages, I’ve actually had almost a whole week of no depressive brain

fog. I’ve felt almost like my old happy, less anxious self again.

However, yesterday, the guilt started creeping in.

Am I faking being depressed?

Am I allowed this amount of happy days when I’m depressed?

Should I not be off sick from work still?

Instead of enjoying the good days, I allowed negative thoughts to creep back in and ruin them.

Then this morning I woke up and the depressive brain fog was back. It was almost like the depression was saying ‘I told ya so!You are depressed. You aren’t allowed to be happy’

Instead of enjoying the good days, I wasted them by feeling guilty.

Well, no more.

I’m gonna make the most of the good days.

I’m gonna live in the moment.

Depression will always be sitting on my shoulder, like the devil, but I will not let it stop me from enjoying the good days!