If I’m perfect, nothing will go wrong.
(of course things will go wrong. That is life)
If I work extra hard, then I will succeed.
(how will I know when I have succeeded?)
If I’m over-prepared, I will achieve regardless of what is thrown my way.
(did the over-preparation stop things going wrong? No)
If I write a list, then things will get done.
(will the world fall apart if I didn’t write a list today? Will I achieve nothing?)
If I work tirelessly, then I can be almost as good as others.
(when will I be good enough?)
If I think up all possibilities, I can not be caught unaware.
(life is full of mistakes, how can I stop them?)
If I ask for help, it will show people I have weaknesses. I can’t have weaknesses. I have to be perfect.
(Will I ever be perfect? What does perfection look like?)
If I let people know I am struggling, I will look weak. I should be able to do it. I can not look weak in other people’s eyes.
(what does strength look like?)
If I stop, I will look like a failure. I have to keep going. Failure is not an option.
(is there nothing inbetween success and failure?)
If I don’t make the effort, no one will make time for me. Why would anyone want to make time for me? I’m not worthy of their time. I’ll just become a burden to them. Their time is more important than mine. They are more important than me.
Why are they more important than I am?
Am I not worthy of their time, friendship, love?
“Am I worthy?” I ask myself.
That is the question I’m still asking myself.