Am I worthy?

 

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If I’m perfect, nothing will go wrong.

(of course things will go wrong. That is life)

 

If I work extra hard, then I will succeed.

(how will I know when I have succeeded?)

 

If I’m over-prepared, I will achieve regardless of what is thrown my way.

(did the over-preparation stop things going wrong? No)

 

If I write a list, then things will get done.

(will the world fall apart if I didn’t write a list today? Will I achieve nothing?)

 

If I work tirelessly, then I can be almost as good as others.

(when will I be good enough?)

 

If I think up all possibilities, I can not be caught unaware.

(life is full of mistakes, how can I stop them?)

 

If I ask for help, it will show people I have weaknesses. I can’t have weaknesses. I have to be perfect.

(Will I ever be perfect? What does perfection look like?)

 

If I let people know I am struggling, I will look weak.  I should be able to do it. I can not look weak in other people’s eyes.

(what does strength look like?)

 

If I stop, I will look like a failure. I have to keep going. Failure is not an option.

(is there nothing inbetween success and failure?)

 

If I don’t make the effort, no one will make time for me. Why would anyone want to make time for me? I’m not worthy of their time.  I’ll just become a burden to them. Their time is more important than mine. They are more important than me.

Hold up….

Why are they more important than I am?

Am I not worthy of their time, friendship, love?

“Am I worthy?” I ask myself.

That is the question I’m still asking myself.

 

 

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