Today I hurt

Today I hurt everywhere

Not a lot, just everywhere, all the time

It’s unbearable 

Tomorrow, I hope, to be a better day

Tomorrow, I’ll be stronger

But tonight, I’ll let sleep cover up the pain 

Until tomorrow 

Scared to be hopeful!

So basically I’ve had chronic pain in my back, neck and shoulders for almost 5 years now. No doctor or medical test has been able to diagnose the issue.

Yet, the past 2 weeks the pain has been different. Almost like things are getting better… But I’m scared to be hopeful that things are finally improving.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve had so many doctors say they can help me. I get my hopes up and start feeling positive and hopeful, to then, a few months down the line, realise that things are no better and they aren’t going to be the one to cure me!

The past few weeks a lot of things have changed in my life. I’m no longer a primary teacher-I’m now a full time personal trainer, which I love. I’ve also reduced the amount of training I do on my upper body and I’ve been strengthening my glutes on the advice of a physio working on a knee injury.

So what is it that has made the difference?  All of them combined or none of them?  Am I just imagining a difference.

I’m so scared to be hopeful.

I don’t want another let down.

Not sure I can handle another let down.

So for now, I’ll keep quiet and silently hopeful. I’ve had pain for 5 years so a few more weeks/months of this I can handle… But I still have all my fingers and toes crossed for a recovery.

I’ll keep you posted.

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Who am I?

Today I was told that happiness doesn’t stop depression, it just masks it.

Is this true? If it is, what’s the cure?

Yesterday I was told that I’m not broken, I’m stuck.

Is this true? If it is, how do I get unstuck?

Today I feel like I’m only surviving depression.

Is this acceptable? Only I don’t want to just survive it-I want to conquer it!

I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 2 months now. How long will it take for me to not just survive and cope with depression, but conquer and defeat it? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next month….

I hate going to bed after a good day, as I’m worried about what mood I’ll wake up in. Will it be a good day? Will anxiety rear its ugly head? Will depression permeate my brain? Will I get through the day without crying?

Having anxiety and depression is exhausting. I’m struggling to exercise, am overeating, putting on weight and lacking positivity in everything.

This is so unlike me. But is this who I am now? I hope not.

I don’t like the new me.

The new me is sad.

I want the old me back.

The old me was happy.

But if happiness masks depression, was I truly happy before?

Looking back, me think not!!

So who am I and who do I want to be?

 

Who wins the race-anxiety or depression?

 

So I spent most of yesterday either worrying about something that I’m doing at the weekend or crying for no particular reason. When I wasn’t anxious and thoughts were running around my head non-stop, there was no room for conscious thoughts in my brain due to the depressive brain fog and I just wanted to cry and hide under a blanket. It’s like depression and anxiety were fighting for first place in a race to win the most space in my head! One minute I was up, up, up, the next I was down, down, down…

So who won?

Well, of course, the anxiety won over. It’s powerful, demanding energy ruled my day, regardless of how many times depression, my logical brain or even my friends and family tried to tell it otherwise.

I got to the end of the day and thought to myself ‘What a waste of a perfectly good day.  A day that I will never get back again! Stressing about something that may never happen!’

So, today, looking back at myself yesterday, I feel sad for me, for how I’d dealt with my issues and the precious day that I’d wasted. Today is a good day and I can see reason and logic and I want to vow to myself to not let me get as low as I did yesterday. That is not the person I want to be.

However, I know depression doesn’t work like that. It is a disease. I can’t control it, it sadly controls me. But I refuse to allow it to take away all of my happiness.

I need to learn to be kinder to myself when having a rough day and to enjoy every second of the good days, as who knows where the depression will take me tomorrow…

 

Learning to love myself!

Having depression means I have no control over my emotions. One minute I’m perfectly fine, the next I’m bursting into tears.. For no reason at all.

What is that all about?

When asked, I can’t even explain why I’m crying.

If I can make it through a day without crying, I call it a good day.

However, at the weekend, I saw some friends from work, whom I haven’t seen for over 2 months now. I was so touched that they wanted to check up on me and to show they cared, that after I left them, I sat in the car and burst into tears. These were not sad tears tho. These were happy tears.

They would only show their support to someone who was worthy of it; someone they cared about; someone they thought was special…And that person was me!

Maybe I am someone special then.

In my mind, I’ve always believed that I am nothing special, that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I was always so grateful to anyone who wanted to befriend me, but never really truly believed I was worthy of their friendship or have anything to offer them in return. I was always worried that they would eventually realise this and would ditch me. 

Even when given compliments or praise, I’ve always glossed over them and never actually heard them. Never truly accepted them. Never believed them.

Well, not any more.

From now on, my goal is to listen to those compliments and praise to help me improve my positive self-talk.

As I am someone special!

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to love myself!

Today is a bad day!

Today the depression is all-consuming.

The urge to just hide under the blanket all day is overwhelming.

I don’t want to talk.

I don’t want to feel.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t want to let anyone in to help comfort me.

I just want to step off the world today and start again tomorrow.

Should I allow the depression to take hold, or should I fight it?

Am I allowed to just be in a semi-comatosed state?

Is this ok? Is this wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

What is right?

Today, I don’t care what the right answer is… But maybe tomorrow I will.

Depression is the devil!

For the first time in ages, I’ve actually had almost a whole week of no depressive brain

fog. I’ve felt almost like my old happy, less anxious self again.

However, yesterday, the guilt started creeping in.

Am I faking being depressed?

Am I allowed this amount of happy days when I’m depressed?

Should I not be off sick from work still?

Instead of enjoying the good days, I allowed negative thoughts to creep back in and ruin them.

Then this morning I woke up and the depressive brain fog was back. It was almost like the depression was saying ‘I told ya so!You are depressed. You aren’t allowed to be happy’

Instead of enjoying the good days, I wasted them by feeling guilty.

Well, no more.

I’m gonna make the most of the good days.

I’m gonna live in the moment.

Depression will always be sitting on my shoulder, like the devil, but I will not let it stop me from enjoying the good days!

 

 

Chronic Pain Syndrome

 On a scale of 0-10, how much pain am I in?

As I lay here, in bed, trying to sleep, with a heat pack on my back to help relieve the  pain, I decided I needed to write about the  pain that has ruled my life for the past 4 1/2 years. 

But what do I say about it? This I suppose:

Constant

Repetitive

Overwhelming 

Never ending 

Irritating

Consuming

Persistent 

Acute

In my head?

No, it’s in my back!

Suffering

Yearning to get better 

Never getting better😢

Demanding 

Relentless 

OMG, it hurts!

Mentally

Exhausting 

On a scale of 0-10, how much pain am I in? Right now, I’d say probably an 8.5. 😢

Maybe tomorrow it will be better?

Night night.