Today I hurt

Today I hurt everywhere

Not a lot, just everywhere, all the time

It’s unbearable 

Tomorrow, I hope, to be a better day

Tomorrow, I’ll be stronger

But tonight, I’ll let sleep cover up the pain 

Until tomorrow 

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Who am I?

Today I was told that happiness doesn’t stop depression, it just masks it.

Is this true? If it is, what’s the cure?

Yesterday I was told that I’m not broken, I’m stuck.

Is this true? If it is, how do I get unstuck?

Today I feel like I’m only surviving depression.

Is this acceptable? Only I don’t want to just survive it-I want to conquer it!

I’ve only been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 2 months now. How long will it take for me to not just survive and cope with depression, but conquer and defeat it? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next month….

I hate going to bed after a good day, as I’m worried about what mood I’ll wake up in. Will it be a good day? Will anxiety rear its ugly head? Will depression permeate my brain? Will I get through the day without crying?

Having anxiety and depression is exhausting. I’m struggling to exercise, am overeating, putting on weight and lacking positivity in everything.

This is so unlike me. But is this who I am now? I hope not.

I don’t like the new me.

The new me is sad.

I want the old me back.

The old me was happy.

But if happiness masks depression, was I truly happy before?

Looking back, me think not!!

So who am I and who do I want to be?

 

Who wins the race-anxiety or depression?

 

So I spent most of yesterday either worrying about something that I’m doing at the weekend or crying for no particular reason. When I wasn’t anxious and thoughts were running around my head non-stop, there was no room for conscious thoughts in my brain due to the depressive brain fog and I just wanted to cry and hide under a blanket. It’s like depression and anxiety were fighting for first place in a race to win the most space in my head! One minute I was up, up, up, the next I was down, down, down…

So who won?

Well, of course, the anxiety won over. It’s powerful, demanding energy ruled my day, regardless of how many times depression, my logical brain or even my friends and family tried to tell it otherwise.

I got to the end of the day and thought to myself ‘What a waste of a perfectly good day.  A day that I will never get back again! Stressing about something that may never happen!’

So, today, looking back at myself yesterday, I feel sad for me, for how I’d dealt with my issues and the precious day that I’d wasted. Today is a good day and I can see reason and logic and I want to vow to myself to not let me get as low as I did yesterday. That is not the person I want to be.

However, I know depression doesn’t work like that. It is a disease. I can’t control it, it sadly controls me. But I refuse to allow it to take away all of my happiness.

I need to learn to be kinder to myself when having a rough day and to enjoy every second of the good days, as who knows where the depression will take me tomorrow…

 

Learning to love myself!

Having depression means I have no control over my emotions. One minute I’m perfectly fine, the next I’m bursting into tears.. For no reason at all.

What is that all about?

When asked, I can’t even explain why I’m crying.

If I can make it through a day without crying, I call it a good day.

However, at the weekend, I saw some friends from work, whom I haven’t seen for over 2 months now. I was so touched that they wanted to check up on me and to show they cared, that after I left them, I sat in the car and burst into tears. These were not sad tears tho. These were happy tears.

They would only show their support to someone who was worthy of it; someone they cared about; someone they thought was special…And that person was me!

Maybe I am someone special then.

In my mind, I’ve always believed that I am nothing special, that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I was always so grateful to anyone who wanted to befriend me, but never really truly believed I was worthy of their friendship or have anything to offer them in return. I was always worried that they would eventually realise this and would ditch me. 

Even when given compliments or praise, I’ve always glossed over them and never actually heard them. Never truly accepted them. Never believed them.

Well, not any more.

From now on, my goal is to listen to those compliments and praise to help me improve my positive self-talk.

As I am someone special!

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to love myself!

Depression vs chronic pain syndrome

On a daily basis, due to the chronic pain syndrome that I’ve had for over 4 years, I am in constant pain. A constant pain that starts at the base of my neck and works it’s way all down my spine. This ache brings with it, all the surrounding muscles into a continual contraction. Sometimes it feels like I have 2 heart beats. One at the front of my chest, and one in my back. It’s a weird feeling. A pain that has taken its toll on my body and my brain.

However, when I have a really bad depressive episode, the pain ceases to exist. There is no space in my brain to recognise the pain.

Yippee!!! No pain!!!! So you think that I should be celebrating the fact that I can’t feel the back pain?

Yeah right! The problem is, when I get so low, I don’t even recognise that I’m not in pain anymore.

How unfair is that?

So it’s either feeling constant pain or feeling absolutely nothing.

Which is better? Which is easier? 

Is it better to feel too much or feel nothing?

I should say feeling too much because at least I feel something…anything.

However, sometimes I’m not so sure.