On a daily basis, due to the chronic pain syndrome that I’ve had for over 4 years, I am in constant pain. A constant pain that starts at the base of my neck and works it’s way all down my spine. This ache brings with it, all the surrounding muscles into a continual contraction. Sometimes it feels like I have 2 heart beats. One at the front of my chest, and one in my back. It’s a weird feeling. A pain that has taken its toll on my body and my brain.
However, when I have a really bad depressive episode, the pain ceases to exist. There is no space in my brain to recognise the pain.
Yippee!!! No pain!!!! So you think that I should be celebrating the fact that I can’t feel the back pain?
Yeah right! The problem is, when I get so low, I don’t even recognise that I’m not in pain anymore.
How unfair is that?
So it’s either feeling constant pain or feeling absolutely nothing.
Which is better? Which is easier?
Is it better to feel too much or feel nothing?
I should say feeling too much because at least I feel something…anything.
However, sometimes I’m not so sure.