Today I had a sad!

Today I woke up sad.

No reason.

Just sad.

My body is too heavy to move.

My brain is too foggy to think.

I just want today to pass me by.

Can I try again tomorrow?  

 

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How do I define myself?

  
Chatting with my hubby the other day, we were discussing about how we define ourselves. So out of the 100%, here was my answer:

30% anxiety

20% depression

20% wife/friend

15% personal trainer 

10% exercise 

5% pole fitness
What I found sad about this list, is the fact that depression and anxiety are so high on my list, even before being a good wife/friend etc

Anxiety and depression shouldn’t define me, but at the moment it does. Hopefully the more I focus on being a good wife, friend and personal trainer, the numbers will reduce. 

I’m going to look back at this list in 6 months time, when I’ve had more time to deal with my issues and I’m looking forward to seeing improvements in my numbers.

My 14 year teaching career comes to an end tomorrow!

  
So after teaching for 14 years, I am finally ‘hanging up my hat!’

I’ve known for a few years that I was eventually going to give up teaching and become a full time personal trainer. I’ve reduced my teaching hours over the past 3 years and starting building up my PT business.

I finally decided to take the plunge and give up teaching in July this year, however, since September, I realised my heart wasn’t in my teaching anymore and I was becoming more and more anxious and unhappy at school. So just before Christmas, I put my notice in to stop teaching at Easter, instead of in the summer.

Making the decision to stop teaching and become a full time personal trainer, was a difficult one for me… What if my business fails? What if I’m not good enough? Then what?

I knew that I only had 3 months left of teaching, and that it was just count down until D-Day! I could do this!!

However, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head and I couldn’t face being in front of a class of children incase a panic attacks occurs. I was signed off sick in January.

3 months later, I’m still signed off from school and tomorrow, my contract ends. I am going in to say goodbye to the staff and the life I’ve known for 14 years!

I am sad I’ve finished my teaching career this way, but know that my place is no longer in a classroom teaching children.

My pride is wounded. I have always known I was a great teacher and I’ve loved it… But depression and anxiety changed all that! 

I wanted to go out on a high! To walk away as a confident, successful teacher, who has decided that personal training is her passion now.

Instead, I feel like I’m crawling out the back-door, with my self-esteem at an all time low, having let anxiety and depression take over my brain.

Depression and anxiety has won this battle, but I refuse to allow them to win the war on my life.

My teaching career may have ended, but my life hasn’t!

New and exciting times await me now, I just need to get to grips with my anxiety and depression to allow those exciting times to happen. As right now, new and exciting times are just too overwhelming for me and scare the **** out of me.

But one day, they won’t be so scary….  

I look forward to that day! 

Anxiety does not make sense!

 

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So Sunday morning, as the alarm went off, I bolted awake and had a second of sheer terror shoot through me.

It took me a while to calm myself down and try and relax off my rigid, tense muscles.

However, what I want to know, is why did this occur?  I didn’t have anything particularly stressful going on that day, so why did my brain decide to do this?

This used to happen to me, on teaching days, but those days are now behind me. So why is my brain deciding to do this again!!! Especially on  Sunday morning!

Anxiety truly does not make any sense!

 

20% perfect!

 

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When asked today if I felt I was good enough, I answered that I was 20% perfect.

When asked where I saw the people I look up to, I answered that they  80% perfect.

I was then asked where I wanted to see myself. Of course, I wanted to be the same as everyone else. I wanted to be equal.

I want to be equal.

What would make me equal? Why am I not equal? Am I not worthy enough to be equal?

I was asked who told me I wasn’t good enough. I had to admit that no one had said that. It’s what I perceive people to think about me. It’s all in my head.

I was also asked what would help me feel like an equal. Straight away I wanted to say that I need the affirmation from others to prove to myself that I’m good enough.

However, I know that’s not the correct answer. The correct answer is that I should have more faith in my own abilities. The only way I can get from 20% perfect to 80% perfect is by changing my mindset and improve the way that I see myself.

So tomorrow I’m going to focus on believing that I’m 21% perfect, then the day after that 22%perfect… And so on. So eventually, I can get to the 80% perfect that I desire.

So why not 100% perfect?

Come on, even I know that’s not realistic! Lol!!!

Today I am not a perfectionist!

I am a perfectionist.

Only, chronic pain stops me from being perfect.

In fact,it stops me being good at anything.

It stops me from working, training and socialising.

It’s made me depressed, anxious, unmotivated and unreliable.

What’s perfect about me now?

Right now? I’m perfect at nothing.

And today, that’s good enough for me.

Today, I felt normal!

  
So, after an awful week of anxiety and depression, it’s just occurred to me that today I felt like my normal self!

Today, I was organised, confident, relaxed and thrived in my teaching role as a fitness tutor.

This was the old me!

The old me that loved my job!

The old me that knew I was good at my job!

The old me that didn’t have depression!

The old me that didn’t have anxiety issues!

I am on top of the world!

So the actual thing that has caused me a whole, wasted week of anxiety and depression, is the same thing that has made me feel like my old, normal self again!

What is that about?

How can one thing cause me so many different emotions? 

If it causes me so much anxiety, is it worth doing? Should I stop?

However, if it gives me a glimpse of my old self back, why would I stop?

Now I just need to learn not to get so anxious over teaching and happy days! Lol!!

Easier said than done!!