Yesterday, the brain fog of depression and the panic inducing anxiety were amazingly absent, and whilst training in the gym, I saw a glimpse of the old me (BDA- before depression and anxiety).
I had such a good time. I was able to push myself hard! I could appreciate my successes-even small ones like running 800m without a panic attack. I was able to laugh at my mistakes (like when I almost fell over when doing a single leg burpee).
I came out of the gym feeling like I was on cloud 9!
But then, out of nowhere, I burst into tears, as I’ve missed feeling like this! I miss the old me! How sad is that?
I knew that I needed my friends and family to help me understand these emotions. So when I text them, these are the responses I got. They are all so different, but all so very much appreciated and helped me see things outside of my little bubble.
Hubby’s response: they are good tears. I knew it was still in you, just waiting to burst back out.
Sister’s response: definitely not sad at all, but you have to give yourself some time to get back there. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
Friend’s response (Let’s call her Fairy God Mother): but you did it, so that is you!
All these responses helped me see that I am still comparing myself now to the old me (BDA), when in fact I’m still me, just a different me now. I can’t keep comparing myself to how I used to be, as I’ll never be there again! Instead I have to work on becoming the best me that I can be now. I have to embrace the anxiety and depression and know that although I’m having a rough time of it now, I will not always feel like this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
However, it is always easier said than done! But I’ll get there! I have faith in me!