Depression for me is like a cloud that has descended down from the sky and planted itself into my brain, forcing all reasonable and happy thoughts out of my ears! There is seriously no space in my brain most of the time for any happy, conscious thoughts to appear. I’m sure I will often talk about the voices in my head, which often is linked to my anxiety, but sometimes they just aren’t there! They just vanish!
This brain fog can appear at any time, just like the change in British weather! One minute it’s sunny, the next it’s chucking with rain. One minute, I can be happily walking dogs with my hubby (he is a local dog walker), and the next I’m busting into tears as everything is just too much for me.
The fog is telling me to sleep… all the time! Even when I know I’m not tired as I’ve slept my usual 8 hours, so have no reason to be tired. The brain fog is trying to stop me from working, exercising, having fun, talking to my family and I know I should be fighting it, but I’m just too tired to fight it right now, and it truly sucks!
The scariest depression episodes (as I like to call them), have been when I am so physically and exhausted that I lie on the sofa, hidden under a blanket and wish the world would pass me by. I’ve recently started cancelling work due to these episodes and now worry about how unprofessional I’m coming across, but even then can’t seem to stop this process – its a viscous circle – did you spot my anxiety creeping back in? Yep, its there, just when I think the depression is more than I can deal with, the anxiety pops it’s head back in, like an overbearing puppy wanting attention.
I feel lucky that I am not at the stage of wishing my life was over – I know I have lots of exciting times ahead of me – and I can’t wait for them to happen. However, right now, just dealing with this moment in time, is all that I can cope with.
Does anyone else have the same problems?